DieEvanDandoDie.txtTEXTnX^n! =================================================== WELCOME TO THE ETEXT VERSION OF DIE EVAN DANDO, DIE Die Evan Dando, Die magazine, at the inception of this document, is BACK IN PRINT! After selling out of our first 1000 copies, which was about 900 more than we expected, it is once again available. Now, it has a pukey green flourescent cover and halftones were made of the photos, so it all looks real slick like that. They are available for $2 cash money in the US from Die Evan Dando, Die / 1464 Easton Rd. / Warrington, PA 18976. More ordering info is at the end of this document. Now, if you are some Dando-lover who has downloaded this just because it has Evan Dando's name on it, in spite of the fact that it between the words "Die" and "Die," do not be surprised if you don't like this. Keep it if you want. Throw it out if you want, but don't go asking us how we could create such a horrible thing about such a lovely person. It couldn't be any more obvious that we think the guy's a damn gherkin, and it couldn't be more obvious why. We get tons of hate mail from fans of his who have purchased this magazine and then are shocked and upset to find out that we loathe this dink. All we can say is, "What the hell did you expect?" Maybe it was the subtlety or ambiguity of the title that threw you off. We felt bad about not being able to put cool stuff like photos and crossword puzzles in the etext version, so we wrote 2 brand new bonus articles that are not included in the print version, but you're basically getting this for free, so quit yr damned complaining, you cheap rat bastard. Please distribute this magazine freely and with vigor. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * WHY DIE EVAN DANDO, DIE ? ------------------------ "I would hope to be more like a woman than a man, actually. ...men have proved that they really can't get it together, they can't be cool." --Evan Dando May it just be understood, in no uncertain terms, that neither the title nor the content of this magazine is meant to advocate the death of Evan Dando (a-hole that he is) or anyone else. Is this understood? The editors of this magazine in no way advocate or condone the injuring or killing of anything, except for the regular mowing of lawns (a necessary evil in modern society). Now that we have the publisher's lawyers off our backs... Above is a quote from Evan Dando, singer from the pop sensation The Lemonheads. December 1993 brought the release of Come on Feel The Lemonheads, which was a milestone for the music industry, as it marked the first time that an album has been sold exclusively on the merits of a bandmember's cheekbones. Unfortunately, along with the release of the album has come an onslaught of dopey interviews and and bonehead quotes from Evan Dando. The above quote is just one in a seemingly endless parade of witless statements from this weasel. Yes, Evan, it is the 1990's and we all understand that the macho thing is over. Apparently, the current alternative is to be a softy sissy-boy like yourself, which is no alternative at all. Tough guys and softies are essentially the same thing, anyway. The tough guy lashes out and is domineering, while the softy looks for someone to take care of him and baby him emotionally, and neither has the capacity to deal with relationships based on equality. Yes, Evan, we all understand by now that all men are inherently evil. But try as you might, you cannot grow up to be your mother. So, get past the perfunctory MALE=BAD routine and start working on a healthy respect of who you are. Try to break the void of positive values for men. Respect for yourself will not come about through the disdain of others. One would assume that Dandoes make dopey statements like that in an attempt to help the women's movement. Maybe Evan should spend less time trying to convince women that he's on their side, and spend more time just being there. Many people would say that Dandoes just bash men to try to get women to sleep with them. Now, we're not saying that...but it's probably true. Space is running out, so, let's just say that The Lemonheads used to be a pretty likeable band, but now they are mostly unbearable, partly because they are just sounding more and more like the Spin Doctors, and partly because Evan Dando has shown himself to be completely unable to stop saying asinine things in the press. He is completely out of control and completely full of himself. He makes the singer from The Black Crowes seem lucid. It is too bad that they are playing shows with the always sensational Redd Kross, because we would actively encourage any man to stay away from their shows, so as not to offend Evan with their "uncool" male presence or to have Evan risk getting their "uncool" male germs on his hands when he shoves the money they spent on tickets in into his cooler-than-thou wallet. Oh, and covering a Simon and Garfunkel song, what a novel idea, I guess the Dickies were only doing that in about what, 1982? Yeah, good. Also, we were big fans of the candy called LEMONHEADS. We are now actively encouraging the company that makes them to sue the band for trademark infringement. rejected names for this publication - "Kill Evan Dando" magazine - "Disembowel Evan Dando" magazine - "I Want To See Evan Dando's Head On A Post" magazine - The "Evan Dando Can Bite Me Right Here" journal - "Here's A 2 by 4 With a Rusty Nail In It, There's Evan Dando's Head... Any Ideas?" magazine - "Spikey-Haired Dad-Haters'" newsletter - "Mopar Muscle" - "Evan, Shut Yr Stinkin' Hole" gazette - "I'm a Dando, He's a Dando, She's a Dando, We're All Dandoes, Wouldn't You Like To Be An Asshole, Too?" magazine - "Evan Dando Gives Horse's Asses a Bad Name" magazine * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * This is a list of officially authorized and prohibited behavior for Evan Dando. Any other activities must first be cleared by the staff of this magazine. MAY Watch Donahue MAY NOT Watch "Wiseguy" MAY Watch "Home Improvement" MAY NOT Watch "Hawaii 50" MAY Watch "Evening Shade" MAY NOT Watch "Melrose Place"/"90210" MAY Watch pairs figure skating MAY NOT Watch any sport with the word "ball" or "race" in it, or hockey either MAY Use women's rest room MAY NOT Use men's rest room (so as to not risk being offended by a toilet seat that has been left up) MAY Hang with Phil and Marlo MAY NOT Hang in Sears Lawn and Garden section MAY Replace Natalie Merchant/reform 10,000 Maniacs MAY NOT Replace Paul Westerberg/reform Replacements MAY Kiss my skinny white butt MAY NOT Not kiss my skinny white butt MAY Drink Zima MAY NOT Drink a Rob Roy MAY Wear aftershave MAY NOT Not smell foufy MAY Marry his mommy MAY NOT Be self-sufficient MAY Hate your dad MAY NOT ? MAY See Belly MAY NOT See F.O.D. MAY Listen to Spin Doctors MAY NOT Listen to Descendents MAY Drive a Dodge Colt MAY NOT Own a dog MAY Shut his yap MAY NOT Utter the name "Tesco" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Note to Die Evan Readers: If you see Evan Dando in person, ask for his autograph and then look shocked and say, "Oh, I thought you were "Lurch" from the Addams Family!" Also refer to him as Evan Dildo. Or say "I loved your video for 'Someone To Shove.'" Or say, "You look like Henry Rollins on estrogen!" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RICHARD PETTY: Philosopher-King Some homespun wisdom from the King of stock car racing, #43 ----------------------------------------------------------- "Hurt my dang shoulder..." --Petty to his doctor after his Plymouth Superbird flipped four times and landed on its roof, leaving Petty hanging out of the car, unconscious, with a dislocated shoulder. "You look back on stuff and think it was fun. What you're doing now will be fun 10 years from now" --On "the good ol' days" "It just happened, and I don't think anything about it. It's just part of bein'." --On bein' famous "I didn't run go kart, midget and sportsman cars. I just jumped up with the big boys to begin with." "The Pettys ain't through, though till they take us out toes up in a pine box." --After being badly beaten in 1964 at the Atlanta 500 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * SHAVING MADE PAINLESS or "Still Bloody After All These Years" ------------------------------------------------------------ If you look up synonyms for "shave" in a thesaurus, you find "sliver", "shred", "carve", "haggle" and "slice". Most people start shaving semi-regularly when they are 16 or 17 and find these forays into the adult world leaving them a bloody mess, looking worse than when they started. This can continue for several years, or for the rest of your life. Many people have had nothing but horrible luck when it comes to shaving. How the hell are we supposed to know how to do it? It does not come to you instinctually, like the ability to choose the slowest lane out of 8 at the supermarket. No one ever tells you anything. Most people that you'd ask would be as baffled as you. There are no "How to Shave" articles in Field and Stream. There are no "Where There's a Will, There's a Clean, Comfortable Shave" infomercials on TV. You could spend 10 years in college, but no class is going to teach you how to shave. And who's this Kafka guy anyway? Somehow, after many years of butchering and bloodletting, some are lucky enough to finally stumble onto the technique for a consistently great shave. That's right, you, too, can have nothing but completely flawless, and mostly blood-free, shaves. This knowledge will now be imparted to you. Stay away from electrics. Some people swear by them, but they're just too expensive to buy and maintain for many people's tastes. Besides, they usually leave you with a big red rash where your scruff used to be. You might prefer looking like a slob to looking like you have the hives. Stay away from straight razors. Apparently, these will give you the best shave you ever had, but frankly, they are really very scary. They are too reminiscent of psycho-killer movies and bad Three Stooges bits. Stay away from cheap, or single-blade razors and replacement blades. The rule is: a cheap razor for cheap skin. You may love generic products, but this (and alkaline batteries) seems to be one area where you actually get what you pay for. Stop buying expensive and bulky cans of shaving cream. Get an old-fashioned shaving brush and a bar of mug shaving soap, or a tube of shaving cream. Brushes cost between four and five dollars and will smell like a wet dog the first couple of times you use them, but they'll pay for themselves in no time. Mug soap can be as cheap as 75 and will easily last you 3 or 4 months, honestly. Tube cream costs a little bit more, but it's still significantly cheaper than aerosol cans and is very convenient if you travel. If you run out of soap, you can use your brush with regular bar soap in a pinch. Don't be tidy and rinse out your brush when you're done with it. It holds onto soap that will work fine on your next shave. Try to shave after a shower, so your pores will be open. If you can't, then take a wet washcloth (as hot as you can stand it) and hold it on the area to be shaved for about 30 seconds. (Have your razor and brush sitting in hot water while you're doing this.) Then rough-up the scruff with the washcloth. Work up a lather with the brush and work it in, don't paint it on! When you shave, don't be afraid to lean on the blade a little bit. Apply pressure to the blade, and use long, smooth, strokes, not all short, jerky strokes. This will make all the difference in the world. Some people have better luck going against the grain, some have better luck going with the grain. Decide what's best for you. Don't waste your hard-earned money on aftershave. That is, unless you enjoy walking around smelling like an issue of PLAYBOY. Aftershave is silly and expensive, and buying it only helps to line the pockets of such notorious, fou-fou Dandoes as Ralph Lauren, who is rich enough already. Just go out and buy some witch hazel at any supermarket or drugstore. It costs about 70 for a 16 oz. bottle. It will clean and heal your face without stinging. Maybe you'll want to tear the aftershave samples out of PLAYBOY and rub them around on yr neck just for special occasions. Buy a styptic pencil. In the event that you do get cut, you take this pencil, which looks more like a piece of chalk, wet it, and then touch it to the nick. It is actually far more painful than anything you have ever experienced in your life, but you can then wear that pain as a badge of courage. The bleeding will stop instantly. Hopefully, this will demystify the shaving experience. Any shaving tips, feedback or cash donations from grateful, happily clean-shaven readers should be sent to: Shaving Editor / Die Evan Dando, Die Magazine / 1464 Easton Rd. / Warrington, PA 18976 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * WHY PLAYBOY RULES ALL HELL, EVEN AFTER 40 YEARS ----------------------------------------------- If you can get past the knee-jerk reaction to quickly write off PLAYBOY as a nudie wack mag, you might just find yourself reading one of the more thought-provoking and interesting magazines around. All other men's magazines seem to feel the need to divorce the cerebral from the sexual, and we find ourselves with a polarized assortment of reading materials, those we keep between the coasters on the coffee table, and those we keep between the mattress and the box spring. Playboy successfully merges the two and that is a large part of what makes it so consistently readable. Where other magazines like GQ and Details have received widespread acceptance by both sexes, Playboy (although quite mainstream and established) has been able to keep a unique perspective and audience. This is due, in part, to the fact that it enjoys the freedom afforded by the taboo of being linked to an era of sexuality whose heyday was between 1955 and 1965. This is not to say that this magazine's focus is to wax nostalgic for simpler days, or to cater to the tastes of old, washed-up Hef wannabes. Instead, Playboy's target audience is modern young men from 20-40, providing on the mark social commentary as well as timely and current interviews and articles. Aside from the scented inserts (see "shaving", this issue) Playboy's men's fashion sections are palatable and agreeable, something almost unheard of in magazines like Details that seem to be constantly swayed by ridiculous and faddy fashion trends. Playboy's style is classy and rugged, while remaining sensible, letting you know that you can dress up without looking like a hard-ass, a mama's boy or a spaz. One caution: music and film reviews may be incredibly snobby and obtuse. Magazines that are not Playboy, but are recommended anyway ---------------------------------------------------------- If you find yourself spending a ridiculous amount of time oohing and aahing over cars that are older than you, then you will find Hemmings Motor News to be an invaluable resource. It is published monthly and is the definitive source for parts and services for cars that date all the way back to the turn of the century. So, whether you're looking for 428 Cobra Jet intake, a hemi Charger, a rear window for a '48 Packard or if you're just an old car fan, Hemmings Motor News will give you endless hours of great reading on the can. Sample copies of Hemmings Motor News are $6.00 U.S. & $7.00 Canada (U.S. funds only) to: HMN Subscriptions, P.O. Box 100, Rt.9 W, Bennington, VT 05201 or call (802) 442-3101 ext. 550. Taking a hard and cynical look at technology, modern culture and the environment is the Whole Earth Review. Whether or not this magazine is really "alternative" is open for debate, but the real appeal of this magazine is that it challenges the status-quo view without sounding like it's being written by a bunch of kooks. It's well-written, realistic, informative, and indepth without dancing around political correctness. Who knew? For subscription info, call 1-800-938-6657. Email WER at wer@well.sf.ca.us . From the editors of The Southern Farmer's Almanac comes BUBBA magazine. BUBBA is a celebration of the great American Bubba. Does your riding mower cost more than most people's cars? Do you find that you can't say no to a free baseball cap? Do you see 55 gallon drums at a landfill and think, "What a waste. Those'd make a right fine grill for my backyard..."? If so, then you just may be a Bubba yourself. Inspired by ArchBubba Bill Clinton, BUBBA takes a tongue-in-cheek look at the simple pleasures enjoyed by working class America. For subscription and production information, contact HGK Products, 1825 Wakeman, Wheaton, IL, 60187 or call 1-800-57-BUBBA. F*ck magazine's reputation precedes itself. Notorious for pictures of deformed bodies and full of content that advocates the killing of many people, F*ck might be considered one of the most incomparable and unique magazines around. Recommended, but not for the faint at heart. For subscription info and back issue orders, write to: Randall, P.O. Box 2217, Philadelphia, PA 19103. Please enclose a signed statement of your age and do not write F*CK (or any other nasty words, for that matter) on the outside of any correspondence. Most are issues between $1 and $3. Jersey Beat magazine has come all the way from being a small format fanzine to a legitimate entity. Jersey Beat has always remained in touch with the NJ and NYC music scenes, often predicting the rise and fall of bands, clubs, stores and labels with amazing accuracy. Editor and dedicated scenester Jim Testa displays an unbiased and lucid understanding of the politics, processes and hierarchy of the North Jersey/New York City music scene. Jim does too many reviews each issue to be involved in being routinely cynical or undeservedly nice. His idea of supporting the music scene is to laud bands because they are good and not just because they're from down the street. It's nothing personal. Why Jim doesn't have a big bucks A&R job yet is beyond comprehension. Issues are published seasonally and are available for $2 from: Jersey Beat, 418 Gregory Ave., Weehawken, NJ 07087. Jersey Beat's email address is jimjbeat@aol.com . Coffee... Life's Black Blood 2 is all things to all people. As the title implies, it is a magazine whose sole focus is to voice the praises of that magic bean juice, coffee. Art about coffee, articles about coffee, collages about coffee, and poetry about coffee. If you were thinking about giving up coffee for some ridiculous reason, take a peek at CLBB2 and you'll think better of it. Like the magazine says, "Stunt that growth early!" A magazine for artists and artisans alike to rally around. Send SASE for catalog to Life is a Joke, P.O. Box 423085, San Francisco, CA 94142. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***Special Bonus Article Included In Electronic Version Only *** Can You Taste The Alterna-Bile? ------------------------------ "I hear he's a little precious about himself. So, he could probably use a real good thrashing, which is exactly what we gave him." Is this a quote about Evan Dando? Nope. It's a quote from Evan Dando, commenting on Paul Simon's reported loathing of the Lemonheads version of "Mrs. Robinson." Yeah, tough guy, boy, did you really turn the screws on that midget! Before he gets too proud of himself, let's take the time to remind everyone that while Dando appeared shirtless and birthmarkled in nearly every magazine in existence, the single "Into Your Arms" wandered up to peak at 56 on the Billboard charts before evaporating into the ether. Even Art Garfunkel laughs at the performance of that single. Atlantic Records quickly stated that the lackluster performance was due to the fact that the band was out of the country when the single was released, but, more likely the problem was the Atlantic records were out of their heads when they signed the band. Some contended that the single was just too poppy. Maybe it was just too sucky. But, Evan will endure. Unfortunately, this cannot be said for the other two Lemonheads, who will, no doubt, soon be out like last week's recycling. While Dando threw his little crackbaby tantrums at interviews and video shoots, drummer Dave Ryan and Nic Dalton were reportedly very apologetic and accommodating. The results of being so nice and personable are evident in a Rolling Stone article on the Lemonheads, in which alterna-boar Dando's name was mentioned a whopping 95 times (including on the cover) versus a meager 17 mentions of the word "Lemonheads." Third place in mentions went to Dalton, whose name was cited a mere 7 times, leaving non-Lemonhead and non-mattress mambo-er Julianna Hatfield in fourth place with 6, barely edging out Ryan's paltry 5. Also, Dando was the only one lucky enough to have wanky photos included of him showing him enjoying a wealth of bucolic family splendor, next to the I.D. from the college he pooped out of. The most unsung tragedy of this whole ordeal, however, is truly the efforts of the Atlantic Records publicity department. Somehow, the press was whipped into a frenzy to cover Evan Dando as though he were the next Seattle. No doubt, some pasty publicity people were very proud of themselves for having cooked up the moniker "alterna-hunk," the catchiest catch phrase since "tofutti." While America runs amuck with Edsel Dando-mania, we are left to wonder if maybe"alterna-hunk" wasn't just too much of a gem that the publicists should have saved for the soon-to-be-staged Vanilla Ice comeback. Do not despair, as we have come up with a list of other publicist ejaculation-ready names for Evan. Hopefully, one of them will stick. New publicist ejaculation-ready names for Evan Dando ---------------------------------------------------- alterna-dork alterna-gumby alterna-milksop alterna-mollycoddle alterna-pantywaist alterna-weasel alterna-douche alterna-load alterna-dick alterna-wad alterna-ass alterna-crackbaby alterna-hatfield no-humper alterna-monkeydick alterna-messiah alterna-horse's ass alterna-leBon alterna-couldn't find his own butt even if there was a bell on it alterna-pouter alterna-puss alterna-kook alterna-dink alterna-fabio alterna-vanilla ice alterna-astley alterna-hump alterna-sissy alterna-flash in the pan alterna-lurch alterna-krutsick alterna-humorless alterna-kerrigan alterna-watered-down pat boone alterna-barney alterna-poopypants alterna-putz alterna-jizz alterna-skid mark alterna-piece of hole alterna-pansy alterna-couldn't shut his hole for one second if his life depended on it alterna-butt alterna-namby-pamby alterna-sucker alterna-gudgeon alterna-chump alterna-dupe alterna-fish alterna-sap alterna-sucker alterna-laughing stock alterna-loser alterna-toolface alterna-barnacle alterna-doormat alterna-parasite alterna-baby alterna-invertebrate alterna-jellyfish alterna-milquetoast alterna-priss alterna-fop alterna-sap alterna-dud alterna-botch alterna-muddle alterna-blockhead alterna-dope alterna-dummy alterna-dimwit alterna-numskull alterna-jerk alterna-oaf alterna-schween alterna-dunce alterna-chump alterna-boob alterna-clod alterna-dolt alterna-duffer alterna-dullard alterna-lightweight alterna-goof alterna-hammerhead alterna-idiot alterna-ignoramus alterna-moron alterna-mutt alterna-nitwit alterna-pumpkinhead alterna-stupe alterna-zombie alterna-turnip alterna-imbecile alterna-lobster alterna-slouch alterna-clod alterna-walking blunder alterna-bumblef*ck alterna-cheesecrotch alterna-la-di-da alterna-vainglory alterna-pompous self-important ass alterna-hypocrite alterna-suckwad alterna-ham alterna-gall alterna-sally fields alterna-booger alterna-narcissus alterna-center of the universe alterna-sun shines out his ass alterna-fool alterna-mama's boy alterna-schlep alterna-talent-free alterna-felcher alterna-consistently picked last in gym alterna-foufou alterna-diaper-boy alterna-baboon alterna-sphincter alterna-poof alterna-fembot alterna-nosebleed alterna-stain alterna-prig alterna-rube alterna-fungus alterna-waste alterna-dildo alterna-tinkerbell alterna-digital rectal examination alterna-sasquatch alterna-bore alterna-geek alterna-mushmouth alterna-gamy boy alterna-pestilence alterna-puke alterna-jethro alterna-dung heap alterna-grub alterna-gasbag alterna-flatus alterna-blob alterna-rancid, sour milk alterna-patsy alterna-colostomy odor alterna-odious alterna-scurvy alterna-wombat alterna-jarhead alterna-eunuch alterna-buttplug alterna-loaf alterna-spunk alterna-troll alterna-wipe alterna-jerkoff alterna-sick fart alterna-ratchet jaw alterna-diarrhea of the mouth alterna-gutless wonder alterna-hambone alterna-toad alterna-pest alterna-waste alterna-fluff alterna-superfluous alterna-vas deferns alterna-budgie alterna-snooze alterna-yadda yadda yadda alterna-gork alterna-portnoy alterna-spaz alterna-leper alterna-mucous alterna-prima donna alterna-pork alterna-osmond alterna-french alterna-bla bla bla alterna-buttercup alterna-trussface alterna-smarm alterna-pabulum alterna-muff alterna-chalkhead alterna-heel alterna-dweeb alterna-boner alterna-jejune alterna-clamdip alterna-peckerwood alterna-alda * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * DIE EVAN DANDO, DIE MAGAZINE'S ANNUAL READER'S POLL --------------------------------------------------- 1. How would you rate Evan Dando? a. pretty full of crap b. relatively full of crap c. totally full of crap 2. If you were granted one wish, what would it be? a. Evan Dando's mouth sewn shut in freak medical mishap b. Evan Dando publicly picks fist fight with Kate Moss and loses c. Evan Dando takes real-man lessons from Jack Lord 3. Which of these laughs at Evan Dando's singing the most? a. Bob Dylan b. Dee-Dee Ramone c. Linda McCartney 4. Which best describes Evan Dando? a. The Kylie Minogue of the 90's b. The Sinead O'Connor of men c. The Snoop Doggy Dog of college music 5. Which is most likely true about Evan Dando? a. drives slow in passing lane b. can't drive at all c. keeps balls in mother's purse 6. Evan Dando reminds you most of which kid from elementary school? a. the nose-bleeder b. the paste-eater c. consistently picked last in gym 7. Which would be funniest? a. Evan Dando ages badly b. Evan Dando gets laryngitis c. Evan Dando's sphincter falls out and rolls away 8. Evan Dando is more annoying than: a. a stick in the eye b. a splinter in your finger c. Lars Ullrich * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * WORD JUMBLE! ----------- Clue: What to do before you use a public toilet. YOHOTURLFCUSS _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Clue: What Evan Dando smells like. EHGACKTRAEINGB _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ answers later in this issue * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Bands That Are So Much Better Than The Lemonheads, That It Ain't Even Funny ------------------------------------------------- Minutemen / firehose - any- While some early minutemen stuff can be kind of rough, most of their catalogue is great listening. The progression of the Minutemen through their early albums and then into their later incarnation, firehose, (after the death of Minutemen singer / guitarist D. Boon) shows their sound developing from an abrupt, hasty blast into a refined and unique punk-jazz style. With each album, the band members become more adept at playing and writing and evolve into a well-polished and tight unit. But through this, their style never lends itself to being showy. Where many bands become less accessible as their musicianship is honed, the Minutemen and firehose become more listenable. With songs like, "Relatin Dudes to Jazz," and albums like Flying the Flannel and Double Nickels On The Dime, you can't go wrong. Late note: try not to get Double Nickels on The Dime on CD. It has a different and significantly crappier mix to it. It was, for some ridiculous reason, remixed for CD release and given a cheesier, wetter sound, effectively ruining the clean, crisp and understated production that made the vinyl version so excellent. Rotgut were a Philadelphia band that had brought charged, anthemic punk tunes in the style of the Angry Samoans and Black Flag back to area clubs. After recording several demos and an unreleased 7", the band has, unfortunately, broken up. "I'm Gonna Kill My Boss," "Everyone's an Asshole," and "AWOL for Life" will be sorely missed. Big Boys - The Skinny Elvis- Life is good! Touch and Go has seen fit to put out a compilation of work by one of the most solid and consistent contributors to punk in the 80's, namely the Big Boys. While all of this stuff can be found on other records, some of it can be a little difficult to come by. Basically, record labels are following in step with the strategies started by companies like Rykodisc in reissuing albums and creating compilations in order to cash in on alternative music's newfound, widespread acceptance. They provide albums to people who do not wish to root through local record (vinyl records, that is) stores or do not even own a record player. It looks like gross consumerism works to your favor, too, when the result is that there are more Big Boys recordings for you to get your mitts on. others, quickly... Smashing Pumpkins' newest, Siamese Dream, could be the best all-around album of the year, although the video for "Today" is a bit disappointing. If you like that, you'll probably like Redd Kross Phaseshifter, which is excellent, as well as having an exceptional video for "Jimmy's Fantasy." Screeching Weasel have a new album. It most likely is great as well. Haven't heard it yet. Doubt there's a video. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Test Your Skill At Hawaii 5-0 Trivia ------------------------------------ 1. Which of the big three auto manufacturers provided cars for the show? 2. What was the name of the actor who played "Duke?" 3. Where did Steve McGarrett get his hair cut? 4. Which two of these Star Trek actors appeared on Hawaii 5-0? a. William Shatner b. Leonard Nimoy c. James Doohan d. George Takei 5. What's Steve McGarrett's secretary's name? 6. Lee Harvey Oswald was captured by police at a showing of a film starring what Hawaii 5-0 actor, shortly after the assassination of JFK? 7. Which two characters enjoy surfing? a. McGarrett b. Dan-O c. Chin Ho d. Kono 8. Steve McGarrett served in what branch of the armed services? 9. In the episode, "A Death in The Family," what Hawaii 5-0 mainstay is brutally murdered and gets his body dumped onto the steps of 5-0 headquarters? 10. One of these Hawaii 5-0 actors played opposite his real-life mother, who played his character's mother on an episode of the show. See if you can guess who it was. Jack Lord James MacArthur Kam Fong Imogene Coca Ruth Gordon Helen Hayes * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Real Man Revisited: DAVID JANSSEN ---------------------------------- He was the star of "The Fugitive," which aired from 1963 to 1967 and was a constant ratings leader. Some 30 million people (more than 70% of all the people watching TV that night) tuned in to see the final episode, in which Dr. Richard Kimball (played by Janssen) finally catches the one-armed man who he saw leaving his house the night of his wife's murder. This was, at the time, the largest audience for a television episode, and is still ranked at third, only behind the "Who Shot J.R." episode of Dallas, and "So Long, Farewell, Goodbye," the final episode of M*A*S*H*. Janssen's feigned, humble smile and moody, sideways leer left viewers engaged in his character's weekly search to clear his name. The pensive and wary Dr. Kimball was an enigmatic folk hero to many. He had no need for pretense and could always read people well. Whatever situation Kimball found himself in, his need to remain reticent always left him disinterested in other people's squabbling. A recurring theme found Dr. Kimball being aided in his escape from the law by someone who appreciated his unobtrusiveness and sincerity. Janssen reportedly earned 4.5 million a year for playing "The Fugitive." He worked hard to remain successful, but worked at having a good time just as much. He was well-known as a ladies' man and liked to smoke four packs of cigarettes a day. The network was thrilled with his performance and lavished upon him a custom-made trailer for location shoots as well as a crew of assistants, one of whom was assigned just to keep him sober. Of his success, he said, "Working in TV is like making love to a gorilla. You don't stop when you want to stop; you stop when the gorilla wants to stop." Janssen died of a heart attack at the age of 49. "He was a good man and a bad boy. God was he fun." --From the eulogy at David Janssen's funeral in 1980 source - People magazine * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Word Jumble Answers ------------------ What to do before you use a public toilet. - courtesy flush What Evan Dando smells like. - kitchen garbage Hawaii 5-0 Trivia Answers ------------------------- 1. Autos were provided by the Ford Motor Company. 2. Duke was played by Herman Wedermeyer. 3. Mc Garrett got his haircuts at "The Hair Hut." 4. a) William Shatner and d) George Takei appeared separately on 5-0. 5. Jenny was McGarrett's secretary. 6. The film was "Cry Of Battle" with James MacArthur (Dan Williams), and also starred Van Heflin and Rita Moreno. 7. b) Dan-o and d) Kono surfed, even though onlooking Honolulu P.D. officers teased Kono that he might be confused for an aircraft carrier. 8. McGarrett had served in the Navy (Naval Intelligence, more specifically) and was still active in the reserves. 9. Chin Ho Kelly was killed off callously in "A Death In The Family." 10. James MacArthur's mother is Helen Hayes, he first lady of American theater, and appeared as Dan-o's precocious mother. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***Special Bonus Article Included In Electronic Version Only *** Excerpts From The Course Guide of Dando University -------------------------------------------------- >>Advanced Man-Child Workshop **4 credit hrs.** This workshop provides a practical foundation for the maintenance of your man-child status well into your thirties and beyond. Lectures include: -Laugh Lines: Nothing To Laugh About -Being Spotted With Stubble: A Study In Damage Control -Working the Words "Girl," "Love," and "Crush" Into Virtually Any Press Quote Also included will be a limited study comparing and contrasting the works of man-child pioneers Mickey Rooney and Davey Jones. Hosted by assoc. professor Jerry Mathers. Formerly listed as: Gushing 156. >>Topics in Film Studies: The Collective Works of Cathy Bates **2 credit hrs.** A weekly retrospective of the career of this and other sensitive, yet doughy thespians. >>Intro to Self-Importance 101E w/lab **4 credit hrs.** This lab-intensive course meets three times a week and focuses on you and your position as the pivotal point around which the cosmos unfold. Frequent field trips will be taken through your childhood to discover the universal and far-reaching importance of seemingly banal aspects of your formative years. Cross-listed with: A Study in Overexposure. >>Poutiness and The Russian Revolution **3 credit hrs.** An exploration of sadness and how protruding lower lips gave the Bolsheviks a fundamental advantage over the Mensheviks during the power struggles of turbulent early 20th century Russia. >>Special Lecture Series!!! **2 credit hrs.** Guest lecturer Tim Allen hosts this exciting series on how to be a perpetual and enduring source of embarrassment to your entire gender. Seating is limited, so register early! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Poetry Corner ------------ ...on the breakup of Rotgut o Rotgut o Rotgut why have you left me to the silent judgement of the sky and the trees o Rotgut o Rotgut you will play live shows no more who is there left to play with the dwarves o Rotgut o Rotgut you left me this way 'cause it'll be a cold day in hell before I'll pay 6 bucks to see the friggin' Go to Blazes * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Die Evan Dando, Die magazine editor ------ Jeff Fox associate editors ------ Dan Mapp Susan Benidetto G.J. Caulfield Sindy Fox Brett Lurwick Sparky Lymon layout/art (paper edition) ------ Teri Cagney * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Email us to be put on our mailing list, to receive excerpts from the best of DEDD hate mail, or to find out about our next edition, the soon-to-be released, "Nancy Kerrigan Had It Coming." e-mail: jfoxstp@aol.com Snail address: Die Evan Dando, Die Magazine 1464 Easton Rd. Warrington, PA 18976 Print copies of this magazine are available for $2 (we even pay for the postage), and are worth it, okay? Yr missing alot here. Paper copies of the magazine are available for $2 (in U.S. funds) in the form of well-concealed cash or a money order. Make money orders payable to "Jeff Fox." You're better off sending cash, though, because you'll get the magazine ALOT faster. Besides, what are you going to do, have your bank charge you a $10 or $12 service fee for stopping payment on a $2 check? Think about it. Nobody's going to swipe yr stinkin' $2. Besides this etext version, there is also an electronic version for the MAC, created on a shareware program called Museum. The interactivity is mininal, but it does have lots of cool sounds and graphics, and has all the photos and crap from the print version. DEDD electric is available for $6. But, if you send cash, it's only $5, and will be sent out to you on a HD disk, unless you ask for double density. If you want a smaller copy to upload to BBSes, specify that when you order, and we'll send out a version with fewer sounds, which is about 1/3 of the size. In one last little bit of shameless commercialism, we just got t-shirts made up with the picture that is in the centerfold of the paper edition, which is roughly what is on the opening screen of the MAC version. They are on heavyweight, black 100% cotton preshrunk shirts, and are available for $13.50. They look really cool. We swear. We're all wearing them right now (we'll send you a brand new one.) Most are XL, but we have a few L left. E-mail us or write if you have any questions. For orders outside the U.S., add $1 for the paper version of the magazine and $2 for everything else. All orders must be in U.S. funds in cash or international money order. If you have gotten a copy of this e-zine and enjoyed it, please send a couple of bucks or some stamps or whatever you can. Anything you can spare or swipe from yr parents or work will help the cause. The likelihood of another edition of this zine, paper or electronic, being published is partially dependent on some help from the people who have downloaded it and enjoyed it, and partially dependent on that almighty Super 7 Lotto. We have gotten by just because this whole thing is such a labor of loathe. But as much as we enjoy making this and getting it out to you, there really is a finite amount of money we feel like losing on this whole deal, dig? Die Evan Dando, Die is available at discount bulk rates through the following distributors: See Hear 59 E. 7th St. New York, NY 10003 212.982.6968 fx: 212.387.8017 Fine Print Distributors 6448 Highway 290 East, Suite B 104 Austin, TX 78723-1038 512.452.8709 fx:512.452.8716 This magazine and its contents are copyright 1994 Jeff Fox Production ===================================================